Scratch That

Hello everyone. I find myself in the middle of college applications and thoughts of the future, and my application essays refuse to be written. I think they're all too close, too necessary, and I wanted to take a step back and reflect a bit. I have been in a state of transition and uncertainty for a while now. Ever since the Canadian incident (if you know me, you know what I'm talking about), and even before then, I haven't felt settled or sure of many things. Life has been shifting beneath me, and the main constants have been the love of God and the love of humans in general. (Also, my dog adores me unconditionally, so that's a constant too.)  I have learned a ton about myself and about this world in which we live, and can see how I have become more and more the human I want to be. Looking back on all I have been through and all I have lived, as I prepare for yet another shift in my direction, I am so thankful for so many people and experiences and for the lessons...

On the name and personhood of Chris Dear Chris, Y our name may not, in fact, be Chris. I am aware of this and will resolve the uncertainty next time I see you in person, either by ascertaining your real name (which may very well be Chris, but is also likely not to be), or begin calling you Chris aloud until you stop me (if your name so happens to be non-Chris). Another fine and dandy solution entails establishing that your name is not Chris, then retaining the moniker Chris as a pseudonym to protect your identity from all three readers of my blog. To those unfamiliar with the person who may or may not be Chris, I have known him for approximately two weeks. We are classmates and engage in riotous and intense discussion. Some topics include: ontology, skepticism, God, misogyny, Machiavelli, government function, morality. My favorite assertion to date: “You can’t have a house without a house.” I’ll keep you posted on more quality Chris quotes taken out of context. On the nat...

 If the font is weird, please ignore, I couldn't find out how to fix it. If it's normal, then fixed. Hello dear readership, friends, and loved ones. A lot has changed since you and I talked (or I talked and you, graciously, listened.) I'm not writing to reveal any new and half-baked blogging projects, just to put my thoughts down on the virtual page. Allow me to set the scene. Having just finished the latest in a long lineage of ill-fated clementines, I  listen to lofi music on Spotify and revel in solitude. You're here, of course, and so is my dog (who likes clementines, I discovered today) but my family is sequestered by a half-closed door and good headphones. A quick list of changes in my life to give context. I am eating plant based food and feel much better (vegan except honey, beeswax, and used leather/wool, if we're getting precise) . I am taking varied courses; diff eq, world lit, and hiking soften the sharpness of pure STEM that was my last semester. ...

I'd like to address a few topics in this post: a series of epic stature written by the brilliant and absolutely crazy Stephen King, my own (comparatively paltry) writing life, and a suggestion to my fellow literary enthusiasts. The Dark Tower I've been savoring The Dark Tower series over the past year or two. It boasts a total of 1,334,631 words (according to our helpful pal, Wikipedia) and uses them well, weaving a tale that spans worlds, realms, times, lives, and the enormous, tumultuous reach of good and evil. The story intrigues, amazes, and dumbfounds me, and references a diverse string of other creative works: WB Yeats' and Robert Browning's poems, the Marvel Universe, the Wizard of Oz, King's own writing, the book of Revelation. King usually writes in the genre of horror, yet while there are twisted monsters and demons, I see this story as a darker version of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. A word of caution: dark and mature themes regularly appear....

Hey everyone! It's been forever since posting and so much has happened in my life. Rather than recording every life event in an unceasing torrent, treating this as a diary, I'll instead explain my life's issues and events as they become relevant. You're welcome. I've quite recently rediscovered that I need to write in order to maintain any claim to the term sane . My journal is filled with inner musings and analyses of problems and most of all, prayers, but I want to open this blog back up as a place for my thoughts to require coherent explanations. I especially want to conduct book reviews, so I and therapy sessions, where I splay my feelings and whims on a virtual sheet of paper and, in writing them, bring them to some sort of order. I doubt I will get a regular schedule down, but I do want to write on here a lot. There are a few topics I want to share such as YXL Horn Creek and the impactful memoir/novel Dandelion Wine. But not tonight. In all things, God...

This isn't the first list I've had on here. Do I care? A bit. Enough to edit previous lists to demonstrate, in their titles, that they do, in fact, precede this one? Nope. Hello, and welcome to my blog, occasional whirlpool of laziness, ignorance, and existential crises.  Like many other people, I have periodic emotional/existential calamity, in which the main issue, that grim problem from which all the other problems stem, is:  1. Not knowing what is wrong, and  2. Having the frantic need to do something about it... EVEN though you don't know what "it" is The episode is usually followed by Why was that such a big deal? You didn't need to overreact so much...  This situation invariably repeats itself. And we humans, or really, most living things, will invariably learn from repetition.  Yesterday I trekked with my energy beast  dog to a very green (important) location and composed this list in actual-pen-and-paper fashion (also important...

I don't remember writing this, but I know You were watching over my shoulder, Love.  ... speak to me, Lord,  and give me ears. feed me,  and grant me guts. heal me. be my lungs my air my water my thirst, my humility. show me what it is to love well. i hope this isn't just a sentiment, but really, You're the one who transforms  nothing  into  everything. i'm not trying to be mad at You, but You're perfect, and i'm not, and i'm feeling it. maybe this is just me being emotional again  but i want to  come home and be not trying to be  mad at you  while i see you. don't let me be uptight, PLEASE. teach me Your perspective:  help me see in hearts, not hours in minds, not minutes, souls, not seconds. cut to the quickest.

So I know there was a "new blog" thing earlier, that didn't come to anything... let's try not to repeat that with this new one, shall we? I have a new WordPress blog/site geared toward students and hard workers here .  It's there for people to take a constructive, purposeful break. So far, I'm still figuring out how to do a lot of things, but please check it out if you have a moment or two.  As a result of this, I also have created a study playlist on Spotify with my absolute absolute absolute favorite chill/folk/feels/rainy day.... It's a genre, I promise. You'll find the link on the website. Thanks.

This post was written late last night by tired, determined hands and hesitantly transcribed here with minimal editing. My heart is shaking. It's personal. Tread respectfully. i embrace warm weather with a clasp of familiarity- it's a love given to things small, easily secreted away to cherish. in the winter, i miss it for the light things, the soft whispers- like leaving the window open to hear life upon life, ignoring you. to be ignored, or similar, acknowledged with mutual respect and moved on from; you have become the recurring memory of dreams, dear crickets, and i love you if only for the fact my mind needs something small and beautiful to ignore. i need the green, if only because the absence of green would stab me, over and over like rusted pins, until infection would spell a fragile mind and emotion. i want the whisper of well worn words, mellowed - not stale - wafting like the lull of cicadas and sounding of hickory and stout ale and laughter and grubby fing...

Hello reader. You may be the future me, one of my current friends, new ones, or someone who doesn't know me. Regardless, hello.  The Oh Hellos - Hello my old heart It's been almost a year. And you learn things in a year. I haven't really stopped to evaluate for a while, so here it is, let me at least partially empty my mind's and heart's messy, glittery, dirty mess out onto a floor, a floor you now have access to. Feel free to skirt the edges of the pile, or wade through and see what we find. Roo Panes- Open Road  Just took a physics test. Got an 87. Don't know the significance. Last night, I learned the importance of ten minutes of sitting with my eyes closed and checking in with my body. Toes, how's it going? Ankles, we good? All the way to eyebrows, on fleek yet (I know this is dated, and the answer is a resounding no...) Before then, I listened to music with one of my best friends, and solved a riddle. I'm confused and tired. Only going to...

In case you haven't heard me whining about it on Snapchat, I'm sick. And therefore drugged up on cough meds, herbal teas, and that surreal, vaguely painful headache that comes with colds and fevers.   It's been a very odd day. After having spent about eighty percent of my waking time watching our newly re-acquired Netflix, I sit down with this computer and write in the sunlit brickroom with comfy couches. It just seemed sort of perfect- well not perfect, but the kind of perfect that happens in an imperfect world. My eyes sting, but I'm listening to good, haunting music through my favorite (and only) earbuds, the red ones. It's thanksgiving break and I've recently broken through a serious writer's drought (it wasn't a block so much as a dryness.) There's a sticky-sweet scent of flowers on the air. My hair is wet, half tangled already, and comfortable. A lot of pressure in school is off. My toes aren't cold. There are a lot of things to be thankf...

12 minutes to write. I don't exactly know what I want to say, but there's a big world out there.  11 minutes now, and I am a bit stressed because life and movement and growth take an inexplicably huge amount of energy and focus, and the world is spinning faster and faster and we'll never keep up, etc.  10 minutes. Edited some. Writing more. Listening to music. But back to the centrifuge that is our world, spitting the weak out into the unknown, those that couldn't hold on, keep up. 9 minutes. But it's cool, because we've got a safety net/reality check. 8 minutes. It's Him, of course, you knew this would be the answer. When is He ever not? Breathe, Anthea.  7 minutes. Whew. Breathe. Listen to the music. Breathe. 6 minutes. I want to write song. Honest, sincere, living songs, whose notes soar through your headphones like so many birds. 5 minutes. The beats like so many earthquakes, shaking your heart to its core. Someone said (paraphrasing here) ...

Listening to Twenty One Pilots (hereafter TOP, because... acronyms!) I'd like to think they're different from all my other obsessions, mainly because they have a whole lot of staying power- the other ones kind of blow up, then fade. Listen to the songs, love the writers for it. They're hard not to love for what they do, who they show themselves to be. But obsession is almost besides the point.  Because, obsession, as I'm starting to realize, isn't love. Maybe you all have figured this out by now. Cool. Skip today's post.  ...or not. Glad you stayed.  On paper, it makes sense; sure, obsession isn't love. They pair fairly easily, but not very well. If I'm obsessed with my family, that's unhealthy. Loving them, however, is fine. Better. But when it comes to fangirl phases, the two terms become interchangeable. I love/am obsessed with/other profession of attraction to such and such band, artist, writer, etc.  So far, this is only an evaluation ...

So this is a post about the upcoming election, as you could tell from the title. Kidding. (God, please help us.)  So my sister recently got called both "stupid" and an "idiot" during a friendly discussion (on her end). Evolution vs Creationism, I think. Something trivial.  Regardless, when I found out, I was furious. Who would dare? My sister? Stupid? Pff. She's been cleverer than us for years. I imagined challenging this kid to a duel, with the glove across the face and everything. It'd be red and black. It'd be epic. And my sister would be respected forevermore.  Anyways, she was frustrated. (Understandably.) So I'm writing a guide to Surviving the Stupid Idiot Apocalypse- AKA How to Defend Your Position in Debate. This will come up, no matter who you are. This are general guidelines I try to follow,  and as anyone who knows me can tell you, I debate a lot. :)  1) Know what you believe. Especially what pertains to whatever yo...

Hello You! You're looking pretty nice today, not just because you showered within the last year. No, you, my friend, you beautiful, imperfect creature, are lovely because He loves you. Quick reminder :) Here I am, at college. Gasp . Yes. College.  I'm guessing 99.9% of you already knew that. (There are a lot of fake surprises here on Scratch That, as evidenced by the italicized sudden inhalations.) Anyways, here I am, at college, living life. It's busy. I haven't posted in a while.  But here I am, saying nothing in particular. Sure, normally, I'd have something pseudo-profound and theological, but not right now. So, hello. How are you? 

Hello readers, those loyal among you who haven't given up on me, (or have but just happened to check back thanks to some notification on Google+) Hi. It's me. It's been, what, seven months since we saw each other last? A lot has happened in my life, as probably has in yours. There are numerous excuses I could give for not writing, but , I'd like to think you expect more maturity from me than that by now. Allow me now to disprove you're kind-hearted expectations: fanfare, por favor, as I list my excuses in no particular order. 1. I don't try 2. School 3. Good books and writing 4. Family and friends 5. Sleep 6. Life 7. Refer to numbers 1 - 6 ... but mostly 6. Can anyone identify with me here? It's not that I don't care about you, I really do, but then... life. It just happens.  And I wish I could say, Oh, yeah, I went through all this Bible Study stuff and did this Internet fast ( it's a thing, my friends) for seven months and every day...

Ollo! Merry Christmas! JESUS IS BORN! ...even though some  scholars say He was probably born in the spring sometime. BOO, PARTY POOPER SCHOLARS!!! Fun loving and chill scholars, your'e good. We're celebrating. (Sorry party pooper scholars. Merry Christmas- ba dum bum tss) My philosophy is, if the  exact birthday of the  Hero of the World got lost, what's wrong with still celebrating? What's worse, picking a most likely wrong day and still honoring the Christ, or abstaining altogether? Am I the only one who, upon hearing the word  Scholar , thinks of a pale, dusty, and bespectacled guy  with his nose glued to dusty books (no, I did not mess up my noun numbers, I meant numerous books glued to one nose:), a candle flickering in the foregr ound? Just me? Okay. Anyways, things are constantly changing in my life. (Constantly changing: does that mean that if things stayed the same for a change, it wouldn't be staying the same? Smart people: work it out for the re...

Context: I don't know when I wrote this, but I do know under what circumstances. I was assigned to write a paper on Winnie the Pooh, and hated it. Pooh Bear comprised a significant and nostalgic part of my childhood, and ironing him wrinkle-less and dead in pencil lead and cold analysis didn't hold much appeal. Yet, required it was.  Here is the surprisingly satisfying (given the circumstances) result, unedited from the original: A Three Paragraph Paper on Pooh Bear (Me) Oh bother. Seeing as I am a bear of very little brain, I don't know quite how to begin. Oh dear, did I spell that right? I don't have the slightest idea. Do you have any honey? Christopher Robin was reading a book to me; owl's tree makes a cozy spot for hearing his stories, and eating honey. And then the story came to life. There was a real Alice, and a real rabbit, and even a real hole that alice, poor dear, fell into. After we were done, I asked Christopher Robin, I said "Chris...

Hey, everyone. Thanksgiving is almost here (yay!) and I have gone and pulled a cliche on you: the Thankful list. Forgive me, I meant/ mean no harm.  I am thankful for my family, for me, for my cow... - Mushu Thanksgiving But really (the whole but seriously thing wasn't working): I am thankful for my Savior, my family, my friends (!), a very good church home,    our neighbors,  provision-ish stuff (food, clothes, roof, transport, mail services, etc.), a relatively peaceful place to live, pretty great health, our pets,  music, internet (!), the list could go on and on. And does.  A few points/amendments (because... that's how Scratch That tends to work): One, the listed blessings are lovely and I appreciate them. But I don't really need some of these. Plenty of people live without great health, and there are tons of nations on earth whose citizens must face danger constantly. Is this something I hope for myself or anyone else? Of course not!  B...

No matter whether you're homeschooled or, gasp and faint, public schooled or private schooled, or in college, or whatever.  (I have nothing personal against anyone because of any given schooling system-  except maybe my first grade bus driver who lost me on the first day. In the middle of Raleigh. Of course I don't hold a grudge, what are you talking about?-  However, as a homeschooler, there are stereotypes and stigmas to uphold.)  School is school. Some things stay the same. We can commiserate/enjoy common things, and observe differences with calm and reserved  superiority  interest .  But seriously (if seriously was a thing on Scratch That ), let us mourn together over the calamity that school can be, and yet relish the joys of learning. First off, I took the PSAT last Wednesday. Urgle. Anyone who is/was a high school junior this year knows the pain of insufficient time to complete the math section. Or the feeling that your overachieving de...