Trust Issues
Hello readers, those loyal among you who haven't given up on me, (or have but just happened to check back thanks to some notification on Google+)
Hi. It's me.
It's been, what, seven months since we saw each other last? A lot has happened in my life, as probably has in yours. There are numerous excuses I could give for not writing, but, I'd like to think you expect more maturity from me than that by now. Allow me now to disprove you're kind-hearted expectations: fanfare, por favor, as I list my excuses in no particular order.
1. I don't try
2. School
3. Good books and writing
4. Family and friends
5. Sleep
6. Life
7. Refer to numbers 1 - 6
... but mostly 6. Can anyone identify with me here? It's not that I don't care about you, I really do, but then... life. It just happens.
And I wish I could say, Oh, yeah, I went through all this Bible Study stuff and did this Internet fast (it's a thing, my friends) for seven months and every day I was pining to be writing on my blog, but turned to Jesus instead for my fulfill--
Nope. In fact, I'm feeling pretty non-spiritual right now, because it's that time (summer) when you aren't going to church or hanging out with your Christian friends every day of the week and so there's nobody to tell you to read your Bible and spend time with your Maker except for the Holy Spirit, whose given us Free Will and so doesn't force it on us, except you kinda wish He would, just so you don't have to keep battling yourself, and lose more often than you'd like to think, and, well, yeah. That's me right now. Once again: anybody with me on this one?
And yes, I know He's perfect and got a perfect plan, but sometimes, I just WANT TO GO HOME TO HIM. RIGHT NOW. To where there'll be no sin to constantly hate, no people hating other people, and no more of this weariness. Maybe I don't even want to go to Heaven quite yet, I just want to grow closer to Him here.
I guess my problem is that I don't quite want to trust Him. And here's the hard part, not the judgmental part or the snobby part or anything like that, but just the hard part: does anyone identify with me? I'm only asking because I'm in this boat, wondering if there's anyone here alongside me.
I don't want to guilt trip you into thinking you need to do more if you're already trusting Him. It's actually, um, kind of the opposite. But if you are here, in this sinking boat with me, then...
You know in Matthew 14; (of course you don't, who can remember the references?!? Well,they're not technically Inspired, so... heh. Excuses. I honestly just looked up "Jesus walks on water" online; oh right, SPOILERS!!!)
ANYways, when Jesus is walking on water (you know, as ya do), and everyone freaks out, despite having known Him for a fair amount of time and seen Him do pretty freaky stuff, Jesus says, "Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid."
And Peter's like "Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water." Jesus says "Come," Peter gets out, almost drowns because he looked at the water instead of to Jesus, and Jesus still saves him.
Of course, we aren't standing in a real boat, looking at literal waves and Jesus in His physical form. But He's there beckoning, the Holy Spirit's prodding, and I'm here. Waiting for something. Maybe it was this blog post. Maybe I won't even post it, seeing as it's probably theologically messed up somewhere. But if I know anything, from my experience and that of millions of others, it is that He is worthy of my trust, more than anything else that has ever existed or will ever exist.
So, until next time,
Anthea
Hi. It's me.
It's been, what, seven months since we saw each other last? A lot has happened in my life, as probably has in yours. There are numerous excuses I could give for not writing, but, I'd like to think you expect more maturity from me than that by now. Allow me now to disprove you're kind-hearted expectations: fanfare, por favor, as I list my excuses in no particular order.
1. I don't try
2. School
3. Good books and writing
4. Family and friends
5. Sleep
6. Life
7. Refer to numbers 1 - 6
... but mostly 6. Can anyone identify with me here? It's not that I don't care about you, I really do, but then... life. It just happens.
And I wish I could say, Oh, yeah, I went through all this Bible Study stuff and did this Internet fast (it's a thing, my friends) for seven months and every day I was pining to be writing on my blog, but turned to Jesus instead for my fulfill--
Nope. In fact, I'm feeling pretty non-spiritual right now, because it's that time (summer) when you aren't going to church or hanging out with your Christian friends every day of the week and so there's nobody to tell you to read your Bible and spend time with your Maker except for the Holy Spirit, whose given us Free Will and so doesn't force it on us, except you kinda wish He would, just so you don't have to keep battling yourself, and lose more often than you'd like to think, and, well, yeah. That's me right now. Once again: anybody with me on this one?
And yes, I know He's perfect and got a perfect plan, but sometimes, I just WANT TO GO HOME TO HIM. RIGHT NOW. To where there'll be no sin to constantly hate, no people hating other people, and no more of this weariness. Maybe I don't even want to go to Heaven quite yet, I just want to grow closer to Him here.
I guess my problem is that I don't quite want to trust Him. And here's the hard part, not the judgmental part or the snobby part or anything like that, but just the hard part: does anyone identify with me? I'm only asking because I'm in this boat, wondering if there's anyone here alongside me.
I don't want to guilt trip you into thinking you need to do more if you're already trusting Him. It's actually, um, kind of the opposite. But if you are here, in this sinking boat with me, then...
You know in Matthew 14; (of course you don't, who can remember the references?!? Well,they're not technically Inspired, so... heh. Excuses. I honestly just looked up "Jesus walks on water" online; oh right, SPOILERS!!!)
ANYways, when Jesus is walking on water (you know, as ya do), and everyone freaks out, despite having known Him for a fair amount of time and seen Him do pretty freaky stuff, Jesus says, "Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid."
And Peter's like "Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water." Jesus says "Come," Peter gets out, almost drowns because he looked at the water instead of to Jesus, and Jesus still saves him.
Of course, we aren't standing in a real boat, looking at literal waves and Jesus in His physical form. But He's there beckoning, the Holy Spirit's prodding, and I'm here. Waiting for something. Maybe it was this blog post. Maybe I won't even post it, seeing as it's probably theologically messed up somewhere. But if I know anything, from my experience and that of millions of others, it is that He is worthy of my trust, more than anything else that has ever existed or will ever exist.
So, until next time,
Anthea
Nice post!
ReplyDeleteI completely understand.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHey, sorry about that- tech difficulties. Thank you everyone for reading and commenting. You help me keep it real.
ReplyDeleteThis post reminds me of the song Oceans. :D And yes, I feel you. Trusting that God actually knows what He's doing can be one of the most difficult things on earth sometimes.
ReplyDelete