Appreciation
Hello everyone.
I find myself in the middle of college applications and thoughts of the future, and my application essays refuse to be written. I think they're all too close, too necessary, and I wanted to take a step back and reflect a bit.
I have been in a state of transition and uncertainty for a while now. Ever since the Canadian incident (if you know me, you know what I'm talking about), and even before then, I haven't felt settled or sure of many things. Life has been shifting beneath me, and the main constants have been the love of God and the love of humans in general. (Also, my dog adores me unconditionally, so that's a constant too.) I have learned a ton about myself and about this world in which we live, and can see how I have become more and more the human I want to be. Looking back on all I have been through and all I have lived, as I prepare for yet another shift in my direction, I am so thankful for so many people and experiences and for the lessons they have taught me. I thought I would take an entire post to express my gratitude.
Thank you to my family, for supporting me in becoming who I want to be and loving who I am now. Your love is the first I knew, and pointed me to One far greater.
Thank you to my sister for being one of my best friends and conspirators, and for caring so darn much about animals and music and your dreams. Thanks for veganism.
Thank you to my writer friends for being too ridiculous and genius for your own good. You have won my heart with your words and the light in your eyes when you share one of your worlds or stories or poems with me. The (so-called) real world is an exciting, bounteous, and difficult place; don't let it diminish you.
R, thank you for loving me so well and being the best of friends. This has been and is going to be one grand adventure.
E, thank you for your sage and lovely presence in my life. Keep loving and fighting.
N, thank you for letting me into your life and trying to help me share mine. I wish you the best.
Jiu-jitsu squad, thank you for teaching me so many life lessons on and off the mats, and for giving me a place to mess up over and over and yet persist. The gym is like a second home, and has helped shape me. Love you all.
To my professors, thank you for sharing with me a hope of and enthusiasm in learning. Some of you are the best thinkers and mentors I have ever known.
To my Physics Posse, thank you for the space to think, commiserate, laugh, and learn.
To my church and mentors there, thank you for being a family that builds up rather than tears down. You love with the love of Christ, have seen me through many trials, and remain a community of hope and laughter and entirely too many army and Narnia references.
To the YXL Round Table, thank you for knowing me well and demonstrating God's love in a critical time for me. I love you with a deep, intuitive longing, and can't wait to see you again.
To the friends I have not seen in a while, or from whom I have grown distant. I still cherish you and the time we have had in the past. Don't be scared to reach out again.
To Physics, you're so cool. You make so much sense, thanks for being a daily dose of mystery.
To Canada, I am sorry things didn't work out, but think it's better this way.
To Germany, I would like to visit you again. My old memories are important but hard, and I would like an updated version.
To my anxieties and arrogance, I send you off with a cheerful adieu with the spirit of one freed from weighty chains.
To my body, you are beautiful, capable, home. Thank you for your patience as I learn to love you.
To my mind, you are beautiful, capable, home. Please learn how to take a break sometimes.
To my past self, thank you for making it this far and for having courage. I wish I could go back in time and hug you and tell you it doesn't always make sense or feel good, but you will get to the point where you are not so scared to fail, where you handle heartache and wonder and differential equations with God by your side and in your heart. He hasn't let us go yet, and I don't believe He intends to.
To my future self. Hello. I would have so many questions if this were a two-way conversation, but it isn't, and probably for the best. (So maybe the time machine isn't such a good idea.) All I can say is this: trust God, and trust your gut, trust yourself. Do what you want to do, and keep growing in wanting good and beautiful things. If you need to get away for a while to think, do it. Please still be writing and learning and loving and growing. You are never alone or unloved.
To my Lord and Savior. Thank you for everything, both in the abstract and for the things in my life you have given me to steward and live through. Please keep walking by me and using me to show your love to this broken and beautiful world. Please keep reminding me that I am your child, loved and forgiven. I love you so much.
A general thank you to the following influences and inspirations:
Batman, Elon Musk, Ableton, Joe Rogan, Dad's chessboard, Wendel Barry, my hometown, Firefly, Indie Kids, Alt - J, the community gardens, CC, Bon Iver, DCA, the homeschooled crowd, travel, mime, Leah, Chuck Wendig, Kickstarter, Girl Genius, the world ma p on my wall, Conan Gray, New Mexico, NASA, Vermont, Juli, Bedford, extended family, soccer, swimming, puberty, Ethan from YXL, Jack, Marvel, Katie, Hincal, the rv, the mountains and forests and starlit skies I call home.
I find myself in the middle of college applications and thoughts of the future, and my application essays refuse to be written. I think they're all too close, too necessary, and I wanted to take a step back and reflect a bit.
I have been in a state of transition and uncertainty for a while now. Ever since the Canadian incident (if you know me, you know what I'm talking about), and even before then, I haven't felt settled or sure of many things. Life has been shifting beneath me, and the main constants have been the love of God and the love of humans in general. (Also, my dog adores me unconditionally, so that's a constant too.) I have learned a ton about myself and about this world in which we live, and can see how I have become more and more the human I want to be. Looking back on all I have been through and all I have lived, as I prepare for yet another shift in my direction, I am so thankful for so many people and experiences and for the lessons they have taught me. I thought I would take an entire post to express my gratitude.
Thank you to my family, for supporting me in becoming who I want to be and loving who I am now. Your love is the first I knew, and pointed me to One far greater.
Thank you to my sister for being one of my best friends and conspirators, and for caring so darn much about animals and music and your dreams. Thanks for veganism.
Thank you to my writer friends for being too ridiculous and genius for your own good. You have won my heart with your words and the light in your eyes when you share one of your worlds or stories or poems with me. The (so-called) real world is an exciting, bounteous, and difficult place; don't let it diminish you.
R, thank you for loving me so well and being the best of friends. This has been and is going to be one grand adventure.
E, thank you for your sage and lovely presence in my life. Keep loving and fighting.
N, thank you for letting me into your life and trying to help me share mine. I wish you the best.
Jiu-jitsu squad, thank you for teaching me so many life lessons on and off the mats, and for giving me a place to mess up over and over and yet persist. The gym is like a second home, and has helped shape me. Love you all.
To my professors, thank you for sharing with me a hope of and enthusiasm in learning. Some of you are the best thinkers and mentors I have ever known.
To my Physics Posse, thank you for the space to think, commiserate, laugh, and learn.
To my church and mentors there, thank you for being a family that builds up rather than tears down. You love with the love of Christ, have seen me through many trials, and remain a community of hope and laughter and entirely too many army and Narnia references.
To the YXL Round Table, thank you for knowing me well and demonstrating God's love in a critical time for me. I love you with a deep, intuitive longing, and can't wait to see you again.
To the friends I have not seen in a while, or from whom I have grown distant. I still cherish you and the time we have had in the past. Don't be scared to reach out again.
To Physics, you're so cool. You make so much sense, thanks for being a daily dose of mystery.
To Canada, I am sorry things didn't work out, but think it's better this way.
To Germany, I would like to visit you again. My old memories are important but hard, and I would like an updated version.
To my anxieties and arrogance, I send you off with a cheerful adieu with the spirit of one freed from weighty chains.
To my body, you are beautiful, capable, home. Thank you for your patience as I learn to love you.
To my mind, you are beautiful, capable, home. Please learn how to take a break sometimes.
To my past self, thank you for making it this far and for having courage. I wish I could go back in time and hug you and tell you it doesn't always make sense or feel good, but you will get to the point where you are not so scared to fail, where you handle heartache and wonder and differential equations with God by your side and in your heart. He hasn't let us go yet, and I don't believe He intends to.
To my future self. Hello. I would have so many questions if this were a two-way conversation, but it isn't, and probably for the best. (So maybe the time machine isn't such a good idea.) All I can say is this: trust God, and trust your gut, trust yourself. Do what you want to do, and keep growing in wanting good and beautiful things. If you need to get away for a while to think, do it. Please still be writing and learning and loving and growing. You are never alone or unloved.
To my Lord and Savior. Thank you for everything, both in the abstract and for the things in my life you have given me to steward and live through. Please keep walking by me and using me to show your love to this broken and beautiful world. Please keep reminding me that I am your child, loved and forgiven. I love you so much.
A general thank you to the following influences and inspirations:
Batman, Elon Musk, Ableton, Joe Rogan, Dad's chessboard, Wendel Barry, my hometown, Firefly, Indie Kids, Alt - J, the community gardens, CC, Bon Iver, DCA, the homeschooled crowd, travel, mime, Leah, Chuck Wendig, Kickstarter, Girl Genius, the world ma p on my wall, Conan Gray, New Mexico, NASA, Vermont, Juli, Bedford, extended family, soccer, swimming, puberty, Ethan from YXL, Jack, Marvel, Katie, Hincal, the rv, the mountains and forests and starlit skies I call home.
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