Scratch That

This isn't the first list I've had on here. Do I care? A bit. Enough to edit previous lists to demonstrate, in their titles, that they do, in fact, precede this one? Nope. Hello, and welcome to my blog, occasional whirlpool of laziness, ignorance, and existential crises.  Like many other people, I have periodic emotional/existential calamity, in which the main issue, that grim problem from which all the other problems stem, is:  1. Not knowing what is wrong, and  2. Having the frantic need to do something about it... EVEN though you don't know what "it" is The episode is usually followed by Why was that such a big deal? You didn't need to overreact so much...  This situation invariably repeats itself. And we humans, or really, most living things, will invariably learn from repetition.  Yesterday I trekked with my energy beast  dog to a very green (important) location and composed this list in actual-pen-and-paper fashion (also important...

I don't remember writing this, but I know You were watching over my shoulder, Love.  ... speak to me, Lord,  and give me ears. feed me,  and grant me guts. heal me. be my lungs my air my water my thirst, my humility. show me what it is to love well. i hope this isn't just a sentiment, but really, You're the one who transforms  nothing  into  everything. i'm not trying to be mad at You, but You're perfect, and i'm not, and i'm feeling it. maybe this is just me being emotional again  but i want to  come home and be not trying to be  mad at you  while i see you. don't let me be uptight, PLEASE. teach me Your perspective:  help me see in hearts, not hours in minds, not minutes, souls, not seconds. cut to the quickest.

So I know there was a "new blog" thing earlier, that didn't come to anything... let's try not to repeat that with this new one, shall we? I have a new WordPress blog/site geared toward students and hard workers here .  It's there for people to take a constructive, purposeful break. So far, I'm still figuring out how to do a lot of things, but please check it out if you have a moment or two.  As a result of this, I also have created a study playlist on Spotify with my absolute absolute absolute favorite chill/folk/feels/rainy day.... It's a genre, I promise. You'll find the link on the website. Thanks.

This post was written late last night by tired, determined hands and hesitantly transcribed here with minimal editing. My heart is shaking. It's personal. Tread respectfully. i embrace warm weather with a clasp of familiarity- it's a love given to things small, easily secreted away to cherish. in the winter, i miss it for the light things, the soft whispers- like leaving the window open to hear life upon life, ignoring you. to be ignored, or similar, acknowledged with mutual respect and moved on from; you have become the recurring memory of dreams, dear crickets, and i love you if only for the fact my mind needs something small and beautiful to ignore. i need the green, if only because the absence of green would stab me, over and over like rusted pins, until infection would spell a fragile mind and emotion. i want the whisper of well worn words, mellowed - not stale - wafting like the lull of cicadas and sounding of hickory and stout ale and laughter and grubby fing...

Hello reader. You may be the future me, one of my current friends, new ones, or someone who doesn't know me. Regardless, hello.  The Oh Hellos - Hello my old heart It's been almost a year. And you learn things in a year. I haven't really stopped to evaluate for a while, so here it is, let me at least partially empty my mind's and heart's messy, glittery, dirty mess out onto a floor, a floor you now have access to. Feel free to skirt the edges of the pile, or wade through and see what we find. Roo Panes- Open Road  Just took a physics test. Got an 87. Don't know the significance. Last night, I learned the importance of ten minutes of sitting with my eyes closed and checking in with my body. Toes, how's it going? Ankles, we good? All the way to eyebrows, on fleek yet (I know this is dated, and the answer is a resounding no...) Before then, I listened to music with one of my best friends, and solved a riddle. I'm confused and tired. Only going to...

In case you haven't heard me whining about it on Snapchat, I'm sick. And therefore drugged up on cough meds, herbal teas, and that surreal, vaguely painful headache that comes with colds and fevers.   It's been a very odd day. After having spent about eighty percent of my waking time watching our newly re-acquired Netflix, I sit down with this computer and write in the sunlit brickroom with comfy couches. It just seemed sort of perfect- well not perfect, but the kind of perfect that happens in an imperfect world. My eyes sting, but I'm listening to good, haunting music through my favorite (and only) earbuds, the red ones. It's thanksgiving break and I've recently broken through a serious writer's drought (it wasn't a block so much as a dryness.) There's a sticky-sweet scent of flowers on the air. My hair is wet, half tangled already, and comfortable. A lot of pressure in school is off. My toes aren't cold. There are a lot of things to be thankf...

12 minutes to write. I don't exactly know what I want to say, but there's a big world out there.  11 minutes now, and I am a bit stressed because life and movement and growth take an inexplicably huge amount of energy and focus, and the world is spinning faster and faster and we'll never keep up, etc.  10 minutes. Edited some. Writing more. Listening to music. But back to the centrifuge that is our world, spitting the weak out into the unknown, those that couldn't hold on, keep up. 9 minutes. But it's cool, because we've got a safety net/reality check. 8 minutes. It's Him, of course, you knew this would be the answer. When is He ever not? Breathe, Anthea.  7 minutes. Whew. Breathe. Listen to the music. Breathe. 6 minutes. I want to write song. Honest, sincere, living songs, whose notes soar through your headphones like so many birds. 5 minutes. The beats like so many earthquakes, shaking your heart to its core. Someone said (paraphrasing here) ...